Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. – Erma Bombeck
One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. – G. Weilacher
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. – Steven Wright
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. – Fred Allen
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. – Mark Twain